Four Keys to a Lasting Relationship…
Single people everywhere have an agenda. For some it’s wham bam thank you ma’am. For others it’s finding the “right” relationship that will last through the years. For those of us in the Autumn time of life, dating becomes more purposeful…and we’re running out of time.
Over the years I’ve noticed in my relationships and those of others that there are certain areas of belief that are not uncommon. In fact, we can pretty much count on these coming into play as we begin any new relationship.
These are not listed in order of importance because they are equally necessary in a successful relationship. Let’s get to it shall we?
Key #1 – Chemistry
Look – if you don’t have this you may as well hang it up. You have to connect on this level in ANY relationship whether it is friendship or romance.
Maybe you’re just looking for companionship…there’s nothing wrong with that. We all need someone that we can share with, do things with, and know that there is someone who has our back. This takes chemistry. You have to connect on a deeper level for if you want a good companionship.
For those of us who are looking for something more, it’s intimacy. And no, intimacy doesn’t just mean sex.
Years ago I spoke to a couples group about intimacy. While I was preparing my talk it occurred to me that the intimacy I had in the early years of my marriage was a thing of the somewhat distant past. What a sobering realization. As part of my lecture it told the couples to look at each other and make eye contact. No words, just look into each other’s eyes. Some couples laughed as this was a strange and uncomfortable thing to do. After all, they hadn’t really looked at each other for years. Why is this? No intimacy.
There is more I could say on the subject but we need to move on.
Key #2 – World View
Your world view is based on what you believe, how you perceive others, and how you interact with the world around you. Society, culture, and government all play a role in what we believe and how we think we should act socially. These days in America you can pretty much divide us in half. There is little common ground (the middle) and we have moved to extremes in our belief systems. This affects our relationship with others.
A good example of this can be found on Facebook any day of the week. People take sides on any number of social and political issues and no matter what side you’re on, you won’t listen to the other side. Stephen Stills of Buffalo Springfield wrote a song released in 1967 called, “For What It’s Worth”. In it, one of the lines is, “There’s battle lines being drawn, nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong…”
In the dating relationship you will quickly see where you and your potential mate stand. If you can find common ground, good. If not – if you are at opposite ends of the societal continuum don’t waste any more of your time. You’re beating a dead horse and you need to move on.
Key #3 – Spiritual View
Your spiritual view has great influence over your world view and so it’s important to be on the same page spiritually. Otherwise, your relationship is on a crash course.
One person wants to go to church, the other doesn’t. One believes there is no God, the other believes there is. One is Jewish, one is Catholic, another is Protestant, others are Muslim, Hindu, Mormon, New Age, or Atheist. These are strong belief systems that affect how we perceive the world around us and how we interact with others.
If you and your mate are at odds spiritually it will adversely affect your relationship. Better to be single than committed to someone who doesn’t share your spiritual beliefs.
Key #4 – Finances
This is often overlooked to the demise of your relationship. If your partner has (a lot) more money or assets than you do, they are likely to not treat you as an equal. This is a HUGE problem.
I was in a committed relationship for over 3 years. In the first year everything was fine but by the second year she began to challenge everything I said. She never agreed with me; even on the most insignificant points of conversation. When she spoke to me she often talked down to me. This is what caused our breakups…and we had 6 or 8 breakups where we called it quits. I kept trying to get the relationship to work because I loved her. But that didn’t change the way she treated me. In the end, I told her it wasn’t working and that I had had enough. After a few weeks of reflection on the relationship I realized that I treated her like a queen…and she treated me like the help. You see, she had done well in life by amassing a significant amount of assets. I on the other hand had come off a divorce and bankruptcy only two years before. I had no assets to bring to the table and this I believe is what caused her to talk to me the way she did. In her mind, she was better than me and as a result the respect wasn’t there.
There is a passage in the Bible where the writer exhorts his readers and says, “Husbands, love your wives and give your life for them as Christ gave His life for the Church. Wives, respect your husbands.”
That’s it. Respect. This is arguably the main issue within a crumbling relationship. Women need to respect their mate, men are to love their partner and give their lives for them.
This is why you need to consider if you are in the same financial ballpark as your mate. If there is too much of a gap here, you may be headed for trouble.
There are exceptions to every rule, including these I’ve delineated above but the odds are in favor of these four warning signs that your relationship won’t last. Practically speaking, any three of these will give your relationship a chance for the long run but any less than three and you probably ought to reconsider your decision to stay.
What are your thoughts on this subject? Are there some keys I’ve missed that you experienced? Let me hear from you!
Correct, nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong. Communication and honesty are what’s missing when it comes to many of these fine points. People are willing to take on a chameleon like take on things in order to avoid loneliness until the relationship becomes too much to bear. Sooner or later, their false exterior exposes them and those harsh realities not faced from the beginning are in the light for all to see. The problem is that then it’s too late and time is wasted. Later, that same person may begin to say they should have known, they never should have done what they did; but they did it for the sake of the relationship. They often blame the other person, saying they were asked or forced to take on that layer of falsehood, when deep inside they know that’s a lie they told themselves to make sense of their own actions.
Good points Jim, what is it about us that we endure the inequities in a relationship for its own sake? Then again, sometimes we jump too soon when we should have stayed a while longer because we misread the other’s intentions. This dating thing…trying to find the right “one”, isn’t easy and can lead to a broken heart.